so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
