Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize