You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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