he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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