I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize