I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
