can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
