Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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