Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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