I wish I could teleport
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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