In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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