So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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