I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Also, beer. Big fan.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
