I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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