Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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