maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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