I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
