i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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