The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
