You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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