god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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