I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
