is your mom at the bar?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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