His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize