My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize