The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Please don't give away my fajitas
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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