he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize