I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
