PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
