It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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