My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
