need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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