Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
