Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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