i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
