I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
