I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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