when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
