I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
