Your face is a jimmy john
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize