So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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