this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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