I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
