i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
