Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
