found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
