You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
