my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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