I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
