Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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