If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
