Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
be right there i have to get my cape
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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