I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
