just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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