apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
