Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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