so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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