so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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