where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
