Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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