A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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