I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
