i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
