She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Someone signed my nipple.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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