This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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