I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize